Four Steps to Restoring Sexual Performance Function
“Alice and I stopped having sex five years ago,” says Jeff, 52. “I had a few episodes of Erectile Dysfunction (ED), once unable to get an erection, once losing it as soon as I got it. She assured me it didn’t matter, and, since our sex life had been going downhill for years, I believed her. I thought it didn’t matter that much to me either. We kept to our separate sides of the bed. Without telling her, I masturbated once or twice a week.
“Then I had a little fling with a woman I met on a business trip. Nothing emotional, it was just a purely sexual affair. No problems with erections. I went home to Alice in an erotic frame of mind. We made love for the first time in six months. It wasn’t great, but it was better than it had been in a while. I was pretty sure she had an orgasm, not faked one, but I had never been completely sure about Alice’s orgasms.
Therapy For Erection Problem
“To my surprise, she cried afterward. She told me she’d missed making love to me. I was shocked. We began treating each other with a little more tenderness after that night. I had another erection problem, and we decided to see a therapist together. Therapy was good for us. We forged a closer, more intimate connection to each other than we’d had since the early days when we were struggling and the kids were babies. Once we got closer, the ED thing didn’t happen again.
“My erections are pretty good, partly because we’ve opened up our lovemaking style. I’ve never told her about the fling; I don’t think it would serve any purpose to tell her. But other than that, I’m not keeping secrets from her.”
ED Remedy Treatment Tips
For Jeff, therapy was the ED remedy. Depending on the cause of ED, there are several ways of treating it but in any case, here are some first aid tips:
1. If you lose your erection, let it go.
“The first few times I lost an erection during intercourse, I grabbed my penis and desperately trying to get hard again,” says James, 51. “It didn’t happen. My wife commiserated with me. Sex was over. Then I tried something different, something I learned from a wellness program, Mind over ED.com . When I felt my erection going, I pulled out before she could notice or respond, and began performing cunnilingus on her. That has become my pattern now for handling the unexpected soft spots. Usually I get hard again. Even if I don’t, I have satisfied her, which makes me feel good.”
2. Concentrate on pleasing your partner.
James’s approach, performing cunnilingus when his erection falters, is a good one. When a man forgets his own perceived “problem” and concentrates on giving his partner pleasure, he relieves his performance anxiety. And he creates a win–win situation. Maybe he will get his erection back, but even if he doesn’t, he will feel good about himself as a lover.
3. Use a partial erection to good advantage
Paul, 46, says: “When I feel my erection subsiding during intercourse, I pull out, take my penis in hand and get creative. Grasping my member firmly, I stimulate my wife’s clitoris with the head, brushing it back and forth, often bringing her to orgasm this way.
Sometimes I use the head of my penis to stroke her inner thighs or her nipples. Often I get really hard this way. We both enjoy penis play.” Some men can also have intercourse with a partial erection by holding the base of the penis firmly as they thrust. You don’t need a full erection to make love with your penis. Experiment with ways of stimulating your partner with the erection you have.
4. Don’t blame your partner.
When experiencing hurt pride after an erectile failure, a man might lash out at his partner, accusing her of failing to arouse him sufficiently. Don’t do that. Not only will you hurt her and invite a defensive assault but you’ll only feel worse about yourself later.
Once a couple has started a cycle of blaming, it’s hard to break free and move to a place of acceptance and understanding. Let down the barriers and share your fears and concerns with her, without blaming her or yourself. Some men find it more difficult to talk about their erection problems than about their emotions. For them, a savvy and understanding woman can make the difference between a frustrating sexual future and a transition into another, less erection-based kind of lovemaking.
What happens after the flirting and foreplay gets heavy?
The next step is always showing her what you’ve got and if you aren’t pleased with what you have then chances are she is going to have a hard time getting excited about it, too. Women have high levels of empathy, they can sense these types of emotions in guys.